Antropoz's Journal

12:51PM - More funny stuff

A SPOTTER'S GUIDE TO HEATHENS

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By Thorskegga Thorn & Dragon
With acknowledgement to the Ukpaganlinks website for the idea that we must be able to laugh at ourselves to better take ourselves seriously. So far we do not have feminist, commercial or celebrity heathens in England but, just maybe, the rest of us fall into one or more of the following trends.

Animal Lover
Could this person have a spirit animal? Is it on their rings, their pendants, their t-shirt, tattooed across their lower arms, and who knows where else? Count the critters. If you can find more than five you have the animal loving heathen. And possibly also:

Beanie (TM) Heathen
Checks the toyshop window every morning to see if their spirit animals have been released as a beanie baby. Will have a soft squashy pile of furry fun next to the alter, hanging over doors and portals, decorating mirrors and bookshelves.

Dark Heathen
Always wears black, probably has black soap and black towels in the bathroom. Has to hurry away after moots so they don't miss the start of the vampire convention or the Goth band concert. Will often have Beanie Baby bats hanging from the bedroom ceiling.

Techno Mage
Cannot leave their technology nest to attend rituals and moots without mobile phone, electronic organiser, palm top PC and modem. Will surf the net to check moon phases during horn passings. Dresses like Neo from the Matrix and dreams of owning a working light sabre.

True! Heathen
The true heathen maintains his street cred. Follows the latest trends adding their own Heathen slant. 'Wassaaaaaaaaaaaaail!, Wassuuuuuuuuuuup!' 'Watching the battle, having a mead.' 'Asa -True.' 'Asa -True.'

Book Magnet
This common disease, effecting many heathens, is highly addictive and financially crippling. Suffers will always have at least one plastic bag containing books purchased that same morning. Buying every available book on Germanic culture is not the cure, there are some lovely books on the Celtic tradition too.

In it for the beer Heathen
Slides under the table during moots, only attending when the pub serves their favourite real ale. Their rituals are often indistinguishable from their piss-ups. Watch for the pained expression as they pour beer in the blessing bowl.

Closet heathen
This person has a secret crush on Freya, or Thor, or both!, or maybe an affinity with rune divination. But a heathen? Oh no, never one of those, how crude that would be! Next thing I know I'd be dragging a sword round Sainsburys bellowing Odin! - and that would never do! Lets keep calling the quarters, polishing the athame and hope no one finds out.

Scary Viking' heathen
These heathens milk the 'Big bad viking' image for all it's worth. A table cloth and a plastic horned helmet is just the job to transform their biker gear. They believe they have let the side down if no panicking local headlines appear the day after a ritual. These heathens hold all the best parties and are easily to spot in their local pub waving a four pint drinking horn. They are masters of the art of quaffing.

Re-enactor heathen
Always wears historical costume, even their pure linen underwear is hand stitched! Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a ceremony wearing a watch, glasses, or any other mechanical assistance.

Fundamentalist
If its in a book it must be true. If its in an old book, it must be really true. If its in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people that couldn't read, then it must be way true. As such this 'true' knowledge must be preserved and observed as the only true way to be a heathen.

Yggdrasil hugger
Suffers serious nature withdrawal symptoms if removed from the natural world for more than 10 minutes. They can be found stroking the vegetables in supermarkets trying to be 'one' with the natural forces. Their home is filled with interesting bits of wood, feathers, rocks and desiccated road-kill animals. They will have lengthy conversations with all of the above.

Loki worshipper
Wears black, looks shifty and practises demonic cackling. Ceremonies may include genuine insane behaviour. These people give the shadows in dark alleys the 'heebie-jeebies', but beneath the scary exterior they wouldn't hurt a fly - it could be Loki after all.

The Arsonist
Delights in fire, has a house full of candles, incenses and oil burners, lights them all at the same time at the slightest excuse. Has difficulty in modern houses which do not have an open grate. At camps is always messing with the fire, tending it lovingly and jealously, urging it to it's full potential, that stage where any combustible material within 10 feet will spontaneously ignite.

Instant expert
Bought a set of runes and a 'how to do it' book in W H Smiths last Friday. Flicked through the book, looked at the pictures and found the summary table on the back inside cover. Is now checking the destiny of the immediate family and house hold pets. The layout he learned for Tarot last weekend seems to work just fine for runes too! Hey! Next week I'll learn the Cabbala.

Captain Rune
The runes are all powerful and represent the whole universe and knowledge, no mystery is not to be found contained among their secrets. The spring sun may be blazing outside the closed bedroom curtains, and silver wolves are rutting on the lawn, but he doesn't care, because all that matters is in his little pouch of runes.

Language Guru
Speaks Anglo-Saxon, Norse, Old High German, Latin and Greek. Keeps notes not only in runes but an authentic 6th century Jutland dialect. They make everyone around them feel totally inadequate, but may need shooting if they turn into the following:

Anachronist
Totally out of touch with the rest of heathenry, doesn't everyone speak Norse these days? They will write ceremonies that are so full of archaic words that neither you nor the gods themselves are sure what religion you belong to, which gods you have invoked, or what you are trying to achieve. Often surrounded by groupies too mesmerised to notice.

Freya Freak
Normally a guy, but these days anything's possible. Has heard about the Norse pantheon's sex goddess - She did it with four dwarves, wow! Maybe even a pimply loser with a generous beer gut can score here! Where do I sign up?

Montheist
This heathen was attracted to the faith because there are so many gods and goddesses - so its better than the Christian faith which has only one - right? So they pick a god. A god that's all-powerful, all-knowing and created the universe - so you don't need any of the others, right?




How many of these have even a small place in your makeup?

6:04PM - Fuck!

It's been a year and practically all I've posted has been smut!


Is anyone suprised?

7:55PM - random.

esoteric is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Should be getting broadband on Monday so will hopefully have time to post.

3:29AM - Nicked this of Mitch....

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink There wern't many people in the pub)
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg or glacier
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne (tipsy anyway)
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen an eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater.
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember things
108. Used some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loud in the car; didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery If getting the dodgy-looking mole on my ear removed in case it was cancerous counts)
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery corrective eye surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper.
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen...
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

2:29PM - Heil der Roach Reich

Was doing the dishes today when a weird looking bug crawled out from under one of them. I imprisoned it in a plastic pot (with airholes) and called it Neil. Have now identified it as a German cockroach so it's name is Herr Neil. Yuck. As I'm meant to be doing a very important literature review for my honours project I naturally decided to make this irelevant and disturbing livejournal post. if you are depraved enough to be reading my livejournal then you may appreciate the following oppertunity.

You, yes YOU can help decide his fate.

Should I:

Kill him by freezing (humane)
electocution (inhumane)
burn him at the stake (or in his case matchstick)
crucifiction (he's not the messiah he's a very naughty roach)
Sacrifice him to an obscure Pagan Deity
Keep him as a pet
Keep him as a Familiar
Subject him to Norsie themed heavy metal until he casts off the shackles of the dying desert faith, embraces the might of Roachsatru and all the Northern Roach Gods and set him loose in the Mission (the lair of the Aberdeen University Christian Union, not the cool Goth club in Edinburgh).

Please vote now! His fate is in your hands

11:26PM - YAY FOR RANDOM WEEBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surfing the internet in Edward wrights' for amusing shit since the internet at home is fucked so I can't look up porn. Brain melting. Will update as soon as I can be arsed. Here are some funnies.

TOP 9 SEX JOKES
# 9.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

# 8.
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

#7.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

# 6.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

# 5.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4.
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle,each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its' head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

# 2.
A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says,"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

# 1.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!


THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
======================

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
genitals.
----------------
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.
----------------
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the
TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.
----------------
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
What good is a goddam cake you can't eat? What, should I eat
someone else's cake Instead?
---------------
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
---------------
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No,
I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing
over there.
---------------
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice, did ya?
---------------
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?



ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots ... I married their king.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Jesus paid for our sins...now lets get our money's worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
* Cats... the other white meat.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.


Subject: Southern census form

This came from a "southerner", so it must be true....

Subject: THE 2000 FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse's Name:______________________

3rd Spouse's Name:______________________

Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?



WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
------------------------------------
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
you've got sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she
asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
"don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to
pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a women.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially
violent -- but they make great pets!

15. Men brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per
man.

16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
someone else's.



Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni
magazine.

RUNNERS-UP:

1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of
shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs,
they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.

2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize
the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure
change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it
out.

3. Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and
therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas
at a faster rate.

4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants
in the English language remains constant. If omitted in
one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl
wells."

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it
always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it
always lands with the buttered side facing down. I
propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat;
the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground.
With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail
could easily link New York with Chicago.


Professor Charles R. Smith, Chair
Department of Mechanical Engineering & Mechanics
19 Memorial Drive West
Lehigh University
Bethlehem, PA 18015
Phone: 610-758-5532
Fax: 610-758-6224
email: crs1@lehigh.edu


WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT LIVING

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

5. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting
any.

6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

10.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it
was probably worth it.

15. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

20. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

21. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

22. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

25. Don't squat with your spurs on.

26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

28. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

31. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark
side and it holds the universe together.

32. Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two
entirely different propositions.

33. Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him
be on his way.

35. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.

36. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

37. Never ask a man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for
that matter!)

38. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

39. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.

40. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

41. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for
a bigger stick.

42. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.

43. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

44. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

45. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


All this unadulterated smut was brought to you courtesy of http://www.riddleware.com/funny/

1:58PM - Why do you only find great webcomics when you have a serious amount of work due in?

img src="http://heatherbat.wickedcenter.net/kim.jpg" border="1">

which member of something positive are you?

quiz created by heatherbat

3:15PM - Suff

I'm sitting in the QML library stoned oot me tits. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

3:11PM - I probably need to get out more.

Place x's next to the items you've NEVER been involved in/had happen to you/etc:

I have never:

( ) been drunk
( ) smoked pot
( ) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
(x) been to japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(x) had anal sex
( ) been in love
( ) had sex
(x) had sex in public
( ) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) had a threesome
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) been tied up (sexually)
(x) been caught masturbating
( ) pissed on myself
( ) had sex with a member of the same sex
(x) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) stole something from my job
(x) celebrated new years in time square
(x) gone on a blind date
( ) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to europe
( ) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) cut myself on purpose
(x) had sex at the office (their office)
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
(x) had children

2:07PM - Possibly the funniest web cartoon strip I've seen in years!

THE UNSPEAKABLE VAULT OF DOOM!!!

If you even remotely like Call of Cthulhu or anything else HP Lovecraft related you'll love it. Check it out at http://www.macguff.fr/goomi/unspeakable/home.html .

4:38PM - He he he he.........

I HAVE THE MOTHER OF ALL BONGS!!!

On the way back from Edinburgh I picked it up out a little corner shop. It's the 3ft tall hookah of doom. Unfortunately I've not had a chance to try it out yet. Anyone fancy helping me break it in?

Was in Edinburgh over the weekend. My Brother was back from sea. He's off becoming a junior Navigations Officer for a big cruise company. Lucky bugger just came back from a 4 month posting in the Carribean (though they had him working 12-14 hours a day 7 days a week). It was really wonderful to see him.

Fluffy's doing really well- he's alot bigger than his brothers at the pet shop. He's just shed his skin and is eating well. He's an amazingly tame snake who actually seems to enjoy gentle handling (so long as whoever's handling him doesn't have cold hands!).

11:49AM - Update (Warning: contains drepressing self-obsessive rant)

Well, term's started so I guess it's back to another 12 weeks or so of fun and games at the Uni of Aberdeen. Got the exams over with, 4 in three days which was bloody excruciating. It also meant that I got virtually no free time over the holidays. After the exams of course I got lots of time off, most of which I spent bored and lonely.

I was so bored I put an ad on a dating site. Got an offer from a Farmer near Elgin. He seemed ok but I think he was looking for a romantic type realationship, not something I really have the time or social skills for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a psychopath, I am capable of love and tend to care deeply about my friends. I just don't really know how to express this in a way that fits the social norms of Western society. It also seems that every guy I've ever asked out has either been completely uninterested, completely unsuitable or an absolute bastard. Those who ask me tend either to lose interest very quickly, try to control or change me, go after someone else or get very freaked out and run.

Recently I did develop feelings for someone, but I'm glad to say these feelings were quickly and ruthlessly exterminated. Even better, we're still good friends, and I don't think he got an inkling of any of this. I know that to anyone reading this who's currently in the throes of a relationship or who is predisposed to notions of romance this probably sounds like a facist rant, but it's for the best. I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again. It may not be a perfect fairytale ending, but hey! welcome to reality. Things are never perfect. Nothing hurts me more than loosing a friend, and I'd rather not risk this. Just remember that in many parts of the world it is completely normal for people to spend their lives with partners chosen by their family or tribe, and most of them are as happy as any couple living by the ideals our society espouses (although that ain't really saying much). There is more than one way to deal with heterosexual (or homosexual) love, and one way is not necessarily the best for everyone. And don't worry, the exes I was bitching about don't read this journal (to my knowledge, and if they do, tough).

As for other areas in my life, still plugging away at the Pagan society with Eloise. We have a new treasurer, but we've still to tell the old treasurer. I don't think she'll take it too badly, she didn't seem to be too bothered anyway. Next Monday we're having a talk on Sigil Magick. I'm likely to be doing most of it, so I hope I don't fuck up. Also I've got a really lovely special wee friend. His name is Fluffy and he's a four and a half month old albino cornsnake. He's absolutely gorgeous and very very tame. Currently he's about a foot and half long with beutiful pearly white scales and pink patches along his back. Once he's fully grown (in about 2-3 years time) he'll be about 4ft long. Anyone who wants to meet him is very welcome to. He's absolutely gorgeous!

10:42PM - Porn????

But what about my lifelong commitment to the transformation of society by undermining the illogical mindprisons inflicted upon humanity by various elitist intellectual facists (in order to more easily control their fellow human beings) by facilitating the spread and free use of Occultism and Pagan Magick?????

My life has been rated:
See what your rating is!

2:05PM - Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! Haven't posted for a while, but then I'm stressed out of my mind as per usual. Still have one essay to go before I can start my revision, and all four of my exams are in the first three days of term. AAARRRG!!! Have had a pretty good Yule, My parents gave me a little hookah-esq bong and some gorgeous apple flavoured hookah tobacco. Unfortunately it appears to be too wet to light properly. Anyone used the stuff before?

My aunt stayed over from the 24th to the 27th and drove us nuts and the traditional clan gathering went really well. One of the highlights was a reference made by my uncle Angus about the mother of his son in law. According to Angus, if there was a murder committed in her neighbourhood, "the Polis wid fingerprint her arse tae see if there wis a stranger in toon".

Also I'm back on the property hunt again. My mum spotted a really gorgeous property on the Spital and I'm in the process of trying to get her and my stepdad to actually view it. I'll post any developments. All in all I just hope that this year isn't as shit as the last few months have been. As for resolutions, here are mine.

1. Get Organised!
2. Do more Magick.
3. Do more Kung-Fu training.
4. Have more raunchy sex.
5. Experiment with sex in a Religous/ Magickal context.
6. Find someone willing to participate in the fulfillment of resolutions 4 and 5.
7. Perfect my shroom growing techniques.

5:10PM - Hmmmmmm..............

You are the horniest of the horny. You want ass,
and you want it now. Lookout world, because
you are on a mission.


How Horny are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla

5:57PM - Mmmmmm.... Lovely shroomies!

WOWWWWWW..... Two thirds of the vermiculite is covered with gorgeous white SHROOMS!!!. I is very lucky. They're still very small, about an inch to an inch and a quarter tall. And there are even more worming their way up! COOOOOOOOL! Tasty too!

5:52PM - Well I thought it was funny!

A Knock on the Door
Anon

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain connections."

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.

2. Use alcohol in moderation.

3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.

4. Eat right.

5. Hank dictated this list himself.

6. The moon is made of green cheese.

7. Everything Hank says is right.

8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

9. Don't drink.

10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.

11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

11:18AM - Shroom update

Yay! those gorgeous little shroomies are starting to appear! The first little pinheads showed themselves above the vermiculite last night. This morning about a quarter of the kit is showing definite development- some are about 1/4 of an inch tall and definitely look like shrooms. Talk about growing like the clappers! Should have some lovely mature mushies ready for the weekend! Can't wait!

3:59PM - Diary of a drug fiend

Well, have finally shaken off the flu and am getting stuck straight back into work. Decided to get myself a little treat though as I've been feeling shit with flu all week. It arrived today. One fresh, wholesome mycelium rich Shroom kit. Yes, in this fine country it is perfectly legal to grow yourself lovely potent crops of psylocobin loaded mushies. I built a propagator out of an old freezer box, five chopsticks, masking tape and clingfilm. Yes, it's a bit flimsy looking, but it's doing it's job beutifully!- The kit's only been out the fridge a few hours and already it's showing a few patches of fluffy snow white mycelium emerging from the vermiculite. Only a few days to go before those lovely little shroomies start appearing!

2:50PM - Another dumb test

Mokole


What Changing Breed are you?
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